To My Angel



The last time I saw you alive.  You looked so perfect!


My Dear Angel Abigail,

     As I sit here pondering on your brief life, wondering why you had to leave so soon.  I know in my heart that our Heavenly Father's plan is perfect, and I know that you are very special to Him and that he has a great purpose for you.  Despite the time being so short that I got to know you I have learned so much from you and our Heavenly Father.  Through all of the trials that I have gone through in bearing each of your brothers and sisters, as well as through both miscarriages and losing you my dear daughter I have learned that no matter what happens our Father's plan is always what is best, even if we can't see it right now.  I have learned patience.  I have learned that when I am hurting I will be comforted if I seek it, even in ways that I may not have anticipated.  I have learned that serving others during our trials truly eases our own pain.  I have learned to more fully appreciate and better understand the attonement and its affects and blessings in my life.  Most importantly I have learned a great deal about personal revelation and little by little am coming to feel more confident in my ability to receive revelation and answers from our Heavenly Father. 
     While I know that there has been so much for me to learn through my trials the one thing that I didn't anticipate was being told in a blessing very early in this pregnancy, before we even knew that we were having twins, was that the things that I needed to learn were so that I could teach my children what they would need to know to get through their own journey in life.  Our Father's plan is so simple, and yet feels so intricate at the same time as I realize that he knows each of you and what you will go through and what I need to learn to be able to teach you.  He knows what will help each of us learn what we need to know too.  I know that there wasn't a better way for our Father to teach me what I needed to know right now.  As hard as it has all been, and as much as I wish there was a different way, I know that what I have gone through has not only made me stronger, but has allowed me to learn specific lessons that I needed too.
     My dear Abigail as I think back to the first time I saw you, I knew that there was something very special about you.  You had a radiant glaw with a very excited smile on your face, practically bursting at the seems in anticipation of coming hear to this earth.  And your golden curls!  In my life I have never seen hair more beautiful.  Truly the most golden color I have ever seen.  I did not know then that when you came it would be for such a short time.  I have greatly anticipated your coming for such a long while myself.  I have wondered since you left if you knew how short your life on this earth would be. 
     It's now just a few days more than two months since they told me you'd left your mortal body behind.  I feel bad that I did not know what was happening and could not be there for you.  I believe that I know when the abruption happend, but they say that you probably lived for days after as it was not a complete abruption and just slowly quit growing before passing away.  I don't like thinking that you suffered those last few days of your life, but I have felt assured that you were not left alone even though we were unaware of what was going on. 
     I can still feel the shock and numbness and the disbelief when they told me that you were gone.  I had so many questions that had no answers for any of them.  There has been no specific revelation given as of yet concerning these matters through a prophet in these latter-days.  I wanted to know about you.  With both previous miscarriages, through prayer, I knew that there was not a spirit for those tiny bodies.  I was several weeks further when you had left and I had not only seen your heart beating, but had watched you playing with your feet, and had even felt you move.  Surely your spirit had been here.  But was that it for your time here? 
     There was no source to find the answers that I could find.  I spent hours looking through the church site for any answer.  There was nothing that was certain.  I hoped that this was an answer that I would be able to find somehow.  Your daddy said that if we hadn't received an answer concerning this matter after all we could do that he wanted to write to our prophet concerning the matter and ask him.  I began asking immediately after my doctor appointment.  I went to the temple the next day, and while I was given an answer concerning what your name is that was all I received then.  I spent most of the next month searching through what information I could find, and praying and pondering.  More than one person suggested that you would have to come again, one even suggested that maybe you had come to the wrong family and that you would come again, but maybe to a different family.  These words made me feel physically sick.  I'm learning more and more that this is the spirit telling me that something is just not right about what is being said.  None of it "felt" right.
     The day before Mother's Day your daddy took your brothers and sister out for a while and during that time alone I decided that I would try again for an answer.  I prayed that I would receive the answer that I desired and then opened the scriptures to read.  I felt compelled to read D&C 88.  As I began I felt that maybe this was really it, as I began reading it was talking about spirits and life after death, and resurrection.  While reading a few specific verses within the chapter, even though they did not directly answer my questions, I had very distinct thoughts concerning our Father's plan and that it is perfect and simple and that anything that brings confusion or chaos can not be our Father's plan.  I realized that this is why things that others had suggested could not be right.  I had many different thoughts that day and I won't share them all now, but I do feel that there isn't a set answer for every situation, but that each parent can receive revelation concerning their individual situation if they desire and can be given an answer for themselves.  I know that your spirit was here, I had already had that confirmed through prayer.  And now I had the answers that I had been longing for so badly.  Receiving those answers was the greatest Mother's Day gift that I could have been given.  Twice now both through having the opportunity to see you again and through a priesthood blessing, what I felt that day has been confirmed.  Your life was short, but you lived.  You are back home with the Father, and now it is up to me to do my best eveyday to live in a way that I will be worthy to be where you are, and to hold you in my arms at last.
     I'm grateful that I have had the opportunity to see you again.  That day had been such a struggle through the tears and pain and your daddy being gone from sun up until sun down and having to take care of everything on my own with my feelings running rampant again, I was grateful that in that moment when I needed that peace and comfort the most it was given to me.  Even though it was just a brief moment, it brought me such joy and happiness.  Even as I think about it now it brings a smile to my face.  Seeing you and knowing that you are happy and being well looked after, and if it's possible, even spoiled a little, brings a sense of comfort to me.  You are such a special little girl, and while I did not get to hold you in my arms here, you will always be my daughter, and I will always love you and hold you close to my heart.  You are truly beautiful, and as your name means joyful, indeed you radiate that joy as the suns rays.
     Your daddy and I have decided to bury your body after your sister arrives.  I know I won't be able to sleep at night if I don't know right where it is.  Some new dear friends of mine over the sea in England who have been a great source of comfort lately have shared their stories with me and a couple of their stories are very similar to my own.  While the doctors have suggested that there won't be much left of your body I've heard four different stories now in which babies who died about the same time you did were perfectly whole when they and the surrviving twin was born and that the parents were able to see and hold those tiny bodies.  I am hoping to have that opportunity too.  At the ultrasound last week your dad said everything about your body still looked perfect (I didn't want to look, but he did). We want your body to be with my grandma's, and I'm hoping that this will be possible.  We both love you little Abigail.  You have brought us such joy on many occassions and even made us smile as we were aware of the presence of a small visitor.  Thank you for telling me that you were bringing your sister with you after my last miscarriage, it did make me feel better.  I just wish that you could have stayed as well.  I hope that you will continue to visit from time to time as you have in the past. You and your grandmas watch over Savannah and the others and help them be strong.   Until we meet again my baby girl please know that I will always love you.