This morning as I walked Karlie to school and Brayden cried nearly the whole 10 minutes that we were out because it was so cold I thought of the pioneer women crossing the plains, especialy those who were part of the Martin and Willey handcart companies. I thought of those mothers who day after day trudged through the bitter cold and snow with their children and how often it must have broken their hearts to be able to do nothing to aleviate the pain of the cold, not to mention that of hunger. How agonizing it must have been when they cried for relief and as a mother not being able to anything but hold them closer. I'm sure that their clothing could not have been very warm. Brayden had on a nice warm coat and yet was still in tears because of the cold. After the snow came they rarely were able to even build a fire. When the ground became frozen and their strength was lacking they could not even drive stakes into the ground to put up their tents to at least find refuge from the wind. I've been to Martin's cove. I've been on the plains of Wyoming during the summer months and tried to pitch a tent. It took several people just to hang on to the tent while someone quickly staked it down. Then you raced to put all of your stuff inside to weight it down before the wind blew the tent hard enough that the stakes were pulled back out. I imagine that kind of wind in the winter time on top of already freezing temperatures. It makes my heart ache for each of them.
It would be so difficult to watch your children suffer through the cold and hunger day after day, as well as feeling weak from the same difficulties yourself. On top of these already difficult trials many of these women also faced the pain of having to bury their children and husbands along the way, or having to just leave their bodies there when a grave could not be dug knowing that their bodies would probably be consumed by animals. I have suffered two miscarriages myself this year and the pain at times has felt unbearable, and yet I can hardly imagine the pain that they must have felt burrying loved ones along the side of the trail. I cry for them. And I look to them for strength. Even through their trials they persevered, they endured, they remebered their Creator, even God the Father. They did not become bitter. They did not turn away from Him because of all that they had suffered. They turned to Him and cried out to Him in their pain that He might bless them. They counted each blessing as great and returned thanks for it. They praised Him. When years later others would offer criticism of church leaders for ever letting such an expedition take place there was “One old man in the corner [who] sat silent and listened as long as he could stand it. Then he arose and said things that no person who heard will ever forget. His face was white with emotion, yet he spoke calmly, deliberately, but with great earnestness and sincerity.
“He said in substance, ‘I ask you to stop this criticism. You are discussing a matter you know nothing about. Cold historic facts mean nothing here for they give no proper interpretation of the questions involved. A mistake to send the handcart company out so late in the season? Yes. But I was in that company and my wife was in it and Sister Nellie Unthank whom you have cited was there too. We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism? Not one of that company ever apostatized or left the Church because every one of us came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives for we became acquainted with him in our extremities.’”
I too feel this way. People have told me when I miscarried that it just wasn't meant to happen. To them I would say, oh, but it was meant to be. I have learned and grown more through the trials I have been through this last year than anyone can realize. I wouldn't tade my experiences and growth for anything. I realized through my pain that I had a choice to make. I could become harrowed up in the pain of what I had lost and that of which I longed for feeling alone and overwhelmedr, or I could turn to God. I could seek Him and knowledge from Him. I could pray to know what I could learn and how I could grow through these trials. I too know that He lives! I know that He loves me. I have prayed for comfort and He has sent it. Despite the trials I was facing I have never felt such peace. There have been times when I have prayed unto Him and told Him that the pain felt unbearable and He has taken it from me. I would stand up and be able to take care of what I needed to without those feelings of pain. I have learned to find comfort through reading the scriptures. When I became concerned about going throught the depression that I had with the first miscarriage all over again when I miscarried the second time I prayed for help and was taught that if I would reach out to those around me, especially my family and serve them that I would not suffer depression, but find joy in helping others. I have gone through some of the greatest trials thus far in my life this past year and felt some of the greatest pain, but I have also felt the greatest joy. I have come to enjoy the small things and appreciate them so much more. Brayden's blue eyes, the smiles and laughter of my three wonderful children, taking every opportunity that I can to hold them or have them by my side. I have learned to find joy in God's promises even when I don't have what I want right now. He has promised me that I will have another baby, I don't know when, but I know He will bless me as He has promised, and that brings me great joy. While patience has always been something that I have been lacking, I have felt the desire to be more patient. I told Howard the other day that I felt more patient than I have ever been before. I know that I am stronger than I was at the beginning of the year. I know that I am becoming who God wants me to be. I know that I am learning what He needs me to know, not only for myself, but so that I can teach my children and prepare them for their callings in life. I am so grateful to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am grateful to have a knowledge of the gospel. I am grateful for my Father in Heaven and all that He has blessed me with, even my trials, because without them I couldn't become stronger and better. I am grateful for His promised blessings here and in the world to come. I am grateful for my family.
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