These last couple of months have been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. We found out unexpectedly that I was pregnant the end of January. There was no celebration, but tears as it looked from the moment that I found out that I would miscarry again. A week later the nurse convinced me to have an ultrasound to see for sure what was going on. It wasn't good! The gestational sac was too small, and there was fluid everywhere that there shouldn't have been, this was at 5 weeks. My hCG level was still going up (it went up until about 10 weeks with the last one), so I endured another week of being pregnant just wanting it to be over until a second ultrasound was done at 6 weeks. This time the news was much different, and even more unexpected than finding out that I was pregnant. When the tech had finished, or so I thought, she told me that she needed to get another tech to take a look. So, another tech came in, and repeated much of what the first tech had already done. I hadn't seen anything, and they didn't say a word, occasionally they would mutter something that I couldn't understand between themselves. When they were done they told me that while normally I would have to wait 48 hours before receiving the results that they were going to get these pushed through and that if I hadn't heard from my nurse in an hour or two to call her. I was puzzled. Could it be worse than we thought? Really, how could it be worse, we already new it wasn't good and planned on scheduling a D&C as soon as we talked to the nurse.
Well, a couple of hours went by and I hadn't heard anything. I called the doctor's office and left a message for the nurse to call me. When she did I got the surprise of a life time. I still don't know whether to laugh or cry. She asked if the tech had told me anything, to which I replied she hadn't, other than she made it sound very urgent that I talked to my nurse. The nurse then informed me that the findings were quite different from the week before. I was pregnant with twins, and they were measuring great and both had good heart beats. I just kept saying "twins?" and "they're okay?" Let's just say she had a pretty good laugh!
The next call was to my husband who said I was to call him as soon as I had any news. He wanted to schedule time off work as soon as possible so that he could be there when I had the surgery that we thought I would need. As soon as he answered the phone he asked if I had talked to the nurse to which I answered yes. Then he asked if I had scheduled a time, to which I replied no. He then asked what they were waiting for this time, to which I replied because I'm pregnant with twins and the nurse told me that they have heart beats. Oh, how I wish I could have seen the look on his face at that moment. I asked him what he thought about this and he said to ask him on Monday (it was Friday at the time). All weekend long we just kept walking around saying "twins, us, really, how did this happen?"
Well, I wish I could say that the problems ended there, and that it has been smooth sailing since, but it hasn't. I had another follow up ultrasound at 8 weeks to make sure that things were still going well. At the last ultrasound there was still a little bit of fluid, and they wanted to watch that closely. Howard got to go with me this time and together we got to see these two little babies for the first time. They were looking just as good as before, and there was no more signs of fluid or any other problems for that matter. We were happy, maybe this was really going to be okay. Wrong, just five short days later I went to the ER sure that it was over. They quickly did another ultrasound, the babies were doing very well despite the problems that they found, this time it was worse than before, and to make it worse they couldn't tell for sure what the problem was other than it was there. After a very long day sitting there hoping and praying for the best they finally sent me home. They told me that I was threatening to miscarry, and that all I could do was cross my fingers, some people go on to have healthy babies, and some don't.
I spent the next week supposed to be on bed rest, try convincing 3 kids of that, I tried my best. I saw the doctor a week later, I'd made it to 10 weeks. The babies were still doing amazingly well, despite the fact the whatever the problem is was still a problem. The doctor told me that I needed to continue to "take it easy" and that at this point the pregnancy could still go either way. It was at this point that Howard decided that we needed to tell the kids what was going on because they were struggling with me not being able to do everything like they were used to, Karlie especially wasn't handling it well. We had our family fun night on Saturday, after which Howard got out the ultrasound picture from my appointment to show them. Karlie was excited, Derek was off in his own little world as usually, and Brayden, well he's a little young to understand. Derek asks about the two babies all the time now, in fact he told me right after the last miscarriage that I should have two babies a sister and another brother because Brayden is getting to big now. We'll see what we end up with, it would sure be interesting if he's right on that though.
The whole next two weeks I felt like I was walking on egg shells. I spent a lot of time crying. Crying that I couldn't do what I wanted, and crying out of concern for these babies, and crying because I was now as far as I was when I'd lost the last two. Probaby crying just because of hormones too. After we passed 12 weeks this started to ease a little and then I just counted down the days until my upcoming doctors appointment.
I met with the doctor Tuesday this week. She did another ultrasound first thing, she didn't show me at first, and after a minute assured me that everything looked good. She turned the monitor so that I could see it, and what I saw filled me with joy that I can't begin to describe. Baby B as it is called for now was playing with its fingers and eating them, and baby A was kicking and I could see its little toes. Baby B turned and I got a good look at its little skeleton face for the first time. For the first time it was exciting. I was happy! While there is still a chance that I could miscarry because of the ongoing battle with these stupid complications, the doctor offered hope for the first time that she thinks with the way things are going that we may be past all of this in a couple of weeks. Because the babies are still doing so well she is now going to treat this as a normal pregnancy and so I don't have to go back for 4 whole weeks. That will be nice seem as I've been in and out of the hospital so much this last little while.
We continue to pray that this problem will resolve itself quickly that it won't be a threat to this pregnancy anymore. That's all we can do. I think that has been the most frustrating part of everything that I have been through with this, that I could do nothing. I have just had to wait and see what happened. Well, despite all of this we are ready to do a little celebrating now. We've started sharing our news now, obviously. As Howard kindly put it the other day, I look very pregnant, and it's getting hard to hide it now. I'm as big now as I was with Brayden at 5 months. We bought a second infant car seat the other day. Howard said when we bought our van not quite 2 years ago that we should "fill it up," his goal, not mine. He's happy, as soon as these two arrive it will be full, and it only took him 2 years to do it in too. I'm not sure that's something to brag about. I may have bought an outfit for each of them for when they come home based on Derek's prediction, although I did save the receipt so that we can exchange one of them if we find out otherwise. We bought and assembled bunk beds for the boys, we were going to wait, but seem as I haven't been supposed to be picking Brayden up Howard thought it would be good to get it now. We are gutting one of the bedrooms downstairs and getting it ready for the boys to move into soon so that the twins can take over what is now their room upstairs. We have lots of projects to tackle in the next couple of months needless to say.
We weren't able to have our weekend away together that we had planned due to me being on bed rest at the time, so hopefully in the next month or so we will get that chance, I think we've decided to go to Logan for a weekend this time. This will be a nice break seem as it has been a couple of years since we've gotten a weekend away together, and I'm sure that it will be a few more before we get that chance again.
In the meantime, there's plenty to keep us busy and I'm sure that we will enjoy every moment of it as we prepare for our new arrivals. I'm glad for things to keep me busy, it makes time pass quicker and I worry about things less when I'm busy. Derek's been begging me to plant something so I think we are going to get some plants started in our greenhouse this weekend. There is nothing more exciting than watching new things grow. I think that is why spring is my favorite time of the year. I love the newness of everything. I think this is why I enjoy the anticipation of having a new baby too. There is nothing sweeter in the world than holding your brand new baby for the first time. I could sit and hold them all day long. I don't like to share them because after all of that time waiting I want to be the one to hold them and love them and enjoy every moment of their tininess as they seem to grow while you watch them. Sometimes this seems to frustrate others that I don't "share" my babies, but they are mine. I believe after doing all the work to get them here that I'm entitled to hold them every hour of the day if I so desire. Just because I'm having two people shouldn't expect to change either, if anything it will probably be worse after loosing my last two babies. Besides, I have two arms, now I'll have a baby for each one. I can't wait to hold them for the first time, to smell them, to look at their perfect tiny little features, to listen to their sweet sounds. This picture is what keeps me going and I'm sure will continue to do so through this long journey ahead. What a wonderful one to hold to though, I certainly can't think of a better one!
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