Yesterday was a bad day to say the least. It didn't start out that way. Howard had the day off as he always does on Wednesday. We got up and ate breakfast together, go the kids dressed and ready for the day. Howard walked Karlie to school and then we took the boys to a neighbors house and headed off to my doctor appointment. This was my third one with this pregnancy, and the first one that Howard was able to come with me to. We were excited! We were going to get to see the babies again and hear their little hearts beat. And then we were going to celebrate! Maybe lunch together afterwards. I'd gone a new record length of time without spotting and it seemed as if things were looking up. The appointment started as usual. The doctor asked me a few questions about how things were going and then proceeded to do an ultrasound to check on the progress of the babies. And she looked, and she looked, and she moved the probe, and looked some more, her face slowly becoming more perplexed. My heart slowly sinking with the feeling that bad news was to come. "Baby B looks good, but I can't find a heart beat for baby A, and I'm not seeing any movement either." She wanted a specialist to look immediately in case she was missing something, in case their higher powered machine could find something that hers wasn't. She said there was a lot of shadowing over the baby and she couldn't tell for sure what was going on. She stepped out into the hall to call them while I tried to convince myself that this really couldn't be happening again, everything was going to be just fine.
We were able to have an ultrasound at the specialist's office immediately. The tech took me strait back to a room and got started right away. Again, no heart beat, no movement. "I'm sorry. Baby A has passed away." The words tore through my heart like a dagger. She asked if I was going to be okay if she took measurements of my deceased baby. I wanted to see it. More than that I wanted to hold it. She showed me its hands, and feet, and face. She told me what she was measuring, and that it would give them a little bit of an idea as to when it died. It was measuring two weeks behind where it should have been. She said that didn't necessarily mean that it died to weeks ago as its growth probably slowed down before passing away. She showed me that there were two separate placentas. The first time that we were able to identify that they were not identical. She moved on to measure baby B and check its progress. It was moving and wiggling everywhere with a healthy heartbeat and measuring right on target. After taking some measurements she asked me if I wanted to know what it was. I told her I did. A little girl! Immediately I had to know what baby A was, I knew I would always wonder. She immediately checked and told me that baby A was a girl too. Two little girls. She gave me pictures of my babies and left to get the specialist to come in and talk to us.
The specialist told us that there was a lot of blood around baby A and it appeared that the hemorrhage had caused placental abruption claiming the life of our baby. This had been the greatest concern the whole pregnancy. Up until this point they hadn't been able to tell if there was one placenta or two, and as both babies seemed to be growing well there was no way to know if this was affecting one or both babies. I asked the specialist about what would cause me to have hemorrhaging with three pregnancies. The last pregnancy that I lost there was hemorrhaging as well as with Brayden. She said that there were really only three reasons for repeated pregnancy loss, and as she named them off one of them was uterine malformation. She started with, "but if you had that they would have found it with your c-section." To which I replied I have a unicornuate uterus and that when I had the c-section with Karlie was when they found it. She told me something that I was not aware of, and that was that with my uterine problem there are places within the uterus that the tissue is sometimes not the same, and not capable of supporting a pregnancy. She said that they have no way of knowing where these "places" are, but that the location of each pregnancy could determine if I carry it or not. People have a hard time realizing that I have infertility problems. It comes in many forms, and just because I have three healthy kids, my body has its problems with having babies. Unfortunately it is something that has hit us hard this last year.
I have cried many tears the last couple of days, and I'm sure that more will come. My doctor came over to talk to me after we had finished visiting with the specialist. That's when the tears started flowing, and they pretty much didn't stop the rest of the day. My doctor is wonderful, she hugged us and cried with us, again. She told me how sorry she was, and that she hoped so badly that she was wrong about what she was seeing. She told me that she was sure that her and I were both going to be very nervous the rest of this pregnancy and that she wants me to come in every week and she will do an ultrasound in her office to check on baby B. She says that she is looking great, and that there isn't anything affecting her, and that her placenta looks just fine too. For now it's a watch and see, and hope for the best. She assured me that if I can go in any day of the week for heart tones too if it will help me to feel better. She understands that after two miscarriages, and now at 17 weeks having another one gone that it is more than I can wait patiently through.
I have so many feelings running through me. Sad, hurt, pain, deep sorrow, anger, wanting it to all go away, wondering how I can take care of this other baby without always thinking about the one I lost, most of all wanting my baby back. It doesn't take much for the tears to start all over again. I don't want to tell people. Mostly I don't want to hear peoples unwelcome opinions about well it just wasn't meant to be, or it will be easier this way, or it just wasn't the right time, or God's plan for me. It doesn't help to hear any of it. This was my baby, I hurt. I know that having two at the same time was going to be a challenge, but it was a challenge that I was excited for and looking forward too. Now I have a gaping hole in my heart instead. With the miscarriages people would say oh, well at least you already have three, as if this were to lessen the pain. I look forward to each babies coming, from the time that I find out that I am pregnant my mind begins planning for the coming of a new little one. I think with each one I feel more and more excited about their coming, not less. More than anything I wish people would just keep their moths shut. Leave it at I'm sorry this happened. Keep the rest of your thoughts and opinions to yourself.
This morning when I woke up all I wanted was to go to the temple. Howard stayed home from work concerned about if I'd be okay to take care of the kids. A good friend took the boys so that we could go to the temple together. I was grateful for the peace and solace found there. While I think these emotions are going to be difficult for some time to come, I know that my Heavenly Father will be there to comfort me just as he has been with each of the other losses. We will continue to pray for this remaining little girl of ours that she will continue to thrive and grow well that we may have the opportunity to welcome her into our family and have they joy of holding her in our arms.
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