More Than Devestation

It's amazing how you can go from so happy, full of joy, excitement, and great anticipation to disbelief, pain, sorrow, devestation, and despair. What we found out at the doctor yesterday was far from what I wanted to hear. The baby was measuring 5.1 weeks at the ultrasound that I had 4 weeks ago, and yesterday was only up to 6.5 weeks. The doctor said that I should be measuring a minimum of 9 weeks, and seem as there was no sign of a heart beat either. I am again facing the pain of yet another miscarriage. Two in five months.

My emotions are raw and close to the surface. I dind't want to get out of bed this morning, but was forced to so that I could get Karlie ready and to school. I had a couple of small things that I needed to hurry and finish on her costume as well before she had to go so that she could wear it for her school Halloween parade today. I made it through getting everyone ready and got to the school ontime, but the nearly 50 minute wait before the parade started and arrived at where the boys and I were sitting in the auditorium felt like it was going to go on forever. They were not happy having to sit and wait that long, especially not Brayden as it was his nap time as well, and as I sat there I could feel the hot tears welling up every few minutes and it was all I could do to hold them back. It's hard to put on a brave face and act as though all is well. I am trying to make it through the next few days and enjoy the excitement of Halloween with the kids. They are so excited about all the fesitivities that I don't have the heart to tell them what is going on and bring this dark cloud upon them as well right now.

The doctor told me that she thinks that I will probably have to have another D&C seem as the baby hasn't been growing for at least two and a half weeks now and my body is not recognizing the loss. I can choose to have it done this upcoming Tuesday, or wait until the following Tuesday, but if it hasn't cleared on its own by then I will definitely have to have surgery for this yet again. I can't begin to describe how I feel. Two miscarriages back to back in such a short time and for very differnt reasons, neither of which were related to the problems that I have, nor could anything have changed the outcome. I am grateful that the Lord has sent his spirit in the form of much needed comfort and peace. I can already see at least some of what I need to learn from this and know that I will be stronger for enduring these difficult challenges. I am also grateful to Him that He has promised that I will have another healthy baby. Now it is up to me to patiently endure and wait for His time, not something that I am good at doing. I have already seen this sweet little angel and have felt her presence more than once in our home. I know that one day she will come to join our family and having that at least gives me courage to press forward putting one foot in front of the other and continue to enjoy the three wonderful kids that I have already been blessed with, as well as to be able to take care of all that I need to and continue to be a support to my husband as he urgently works to do his best and finish his degree for our family. I know I couldn't make it through this without him and his love. As we held each other in tears in the doctors office yesterday afternoon I was more grateful than ever that I have him to go through this life with and I am grateful for the opportunity to be sealed to him forever. I have a stronger desire than ever to work as hard as I can to make that possible. We had a great talk last night before going to bed and I think that it was clear to both of us what we need to focus our energy on, and the changes that we need to make to be the best parents that we can be for Karlie, Derek, and Brayden. That we may lead them by example. Not only telling them what we believe, but showing them how important the gospel is to us, and hope that they will have a desire to follow. I know that our Father in Heaven has a great work for them to do and it is our job to be strong and to teach them so that they can be prepared for that work when the time comes.

How my heart is filled with gratitude for each of them and for the joy that they bring to me. How I love sitting and playing with, holding, reading to, and in every other way enjoy spending time with them as I watch them learn and grow. I know that in the end they will be the greatest help in getting through this difficult time. Their smiles, laughter, silly sayings and great excitement for all that life has to offer will be the best medicine next to the strength that I know will be found on my knees in prayer, as well as through the scriptures.

As I relistened to some confrence talks yesterday, both having great reference to the scriptuers, most especially to the Book of Mormon, I learned ways that I can use the scriptures not only to learn from, but to heal from also. As I opened to where I had left off last in the book of Jacob and began to read in the third chapter the first two verses alone hit me and I knew that the words that I had heard while listening to the apostles of the Lord were indeed true. Verses 1 and 2 read: "But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction. O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love: for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever. Oh, how I needed that. Oh, how deeply I know that the Lord knows and loves each one of us and is truly aware and mindful of what we are going through at each moment of our lives. This alone brings great comfort knowing that He knows how I feel, He understands my pain and frustrations and will be there to help me through these trials if I will let him.