This week has been very difficult. In fact, this last month has been very emotionally trying. We found out a little over four weeks ago that I was pregnant. I started having blood tests immediately. This is nothing new to me, as I had done this with both my boys. This time was different though. My progesterone level was low on the first test and so they were repeating the tests every other day to watch for increasing hCG levels. A week later I had my first ultrasound which didn't reveal much. That Saturday morning, just three days later my doctor called me first thing in the morning to have me go in for another ultrasound. This one was at least somewhat encouraging because they were able to see the gestational sac for sure, and it was in a good place.
The next two weeks went on as normal. Felling every pregnancy symptom there is, and oh, so very, very tired I continued on looking forward to the coming of this baby. I spent time planning for how we would make everything work and what we would need to get and even shopping a little. I don't remember ever being quite this excited with the other three. I looked forward greatly to their coming, but I was more excited about this baby than words can express. This last Wednesday I went in for another ultrasound. Howard and I went together. We were so excited to get to see that little peanut shape on the monitor and hear it's little heart beat for the first time. It didn't happen that way though. As soon as the tech started I knew something was wrong. I could see the gestational sac myself, and could also see that there was nothing there. The tech poked and prodded and twisted the scanner every which direction and still nothing. My heart sank, there was no baby. I'd had ultrasounds at about this point with both of my boys as well, I knew full well that we should be seeing something. He said he was sorry, but there was no evidence of a fetus and sent me to my doctors office for further instructions. I tried to be brave, I tried to hold back the tears, the disappointment, all of the emotions racing through me at that time. The nurse gave me three options, to let my body just take care of things on its own, have a D&C, or to take Cytotec, a drug that would induce miscarriage. I just kept telling myself over and over again, this can't be happening, there must be some mistake. I had more blood tests that day, and again on Friday to recheck my hCG levels to see if they were going down at all. They had slightly, but even today my body isn't showing any sign of letting go yet. I've decided to start the Cytotec tomorrow. Howard will be home to help with the kids, and I just can't do this anymore. Feeling very pregnant, and yet knowing that there is nothing there and that it is going to end anyway. I just don't want it to drag out any longer. I hope it's not going to be as bad as the nurse made it sound. I just want a new start at this point. To be able to look forward to a couple of months from now when we can safely try again for another baby. I can't wait until I am carrying a healthy baby and more importantly get to hold it in my arms. I'm sure the next few days will continue to be an emotional roller coaster for me. And I know Christmas will be difficult to, as that was to be my due date. But I feel hope now, and peace in knowing that everything is going to be okay.
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