Today, my emotions are raw. While I'm trying to recover from the surgery I had yesterday that allowed me to finally be through with this awful chapter in my life that I don't care to look back on, there is a part of me that still mourns for that which is lost. I'm looking forward to the future though, and the promised blessing that I will be able to have another baby someday. I hope that day is realized soon. The waiting time until the doctor has said we can safely try again for that dream seems like an eternity away. It's hard not to look at the time lost by the loss of this pregnancy. That instead of having the Christmas baby I'd planned for that it won't be until at least a year from now that I will be able to have a baby. I feel guarded about getting pregnant again because of what I've been through, and yet the longing to have another baby still burns deep within me. I almost dread finding out that I'm pregnant again and going through all of those early tests again. I feel especially reserved towards having an early ultrasound, that for safety reasons is necessary, and yet that is where we learned of the ill fate of this pregnancy. While we went so desperately longing to hear the heart beat of the baby we had been planning for and dreaming about, there was nothing. Just an empty whole on the monitor where life should have been. I can't imagine going through everything I have these last few weeks again.
I hope that I can find the faith in the Lord that I need to help me to continue through this in the weeks that lie ahead. That I can find trust in Him and in His promises and to be able to look forward with hope knowing that all will be well, and that I will be able to hold a baby in my arms again as He has promised. For now I will work hard to prepare for that day. There is a great deal of work that lies ahead of me as it is essential for me to do more than I was before so that my dear husband can get through school quickly. It is wearing on all of us, and we need to get him done with it as soon as possible. I know I can do it, with help and strength from the Lord, I know I can do anything. While it may not be easy, I will get through this, I will come out victorious and stronger than I was before. I will not let this take me down or cause my faith in God to waver. I am starting to better realize our Heavenly Father's plan for us, which has made it easier to set aside less important things, and to dig into the things that are of a more lasting consequence. Oh, how great will be the day of the Second Coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. How I long to see that day. How I long to be there when He comes again and to look upon Him and tell Him thank you for all that He has done for me. That He alone has made it possible for me to be where I am now, and to have hope for the future. I know that every trial in life we go through can make us stronger if we allow our Father to mold us, to shape us into what He wants us to be, and not what we think we should be. It is when we feel the most broken that if we turn to Him and put our faith and trust in Him that he can build us back up into something beautiful, something strong, and when we look back at all we have been through, we will be able to see just how far we have come.
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